I have a unique sense of humour, just like everyone else. Got quite a bit to add here...
Posted on 2009-04-19
When I told my wife I would die for her, she asked "How soon?"
When you tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other. When you tell a woman something, it goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
Posted on 2009-02-07 - MORE PUNNY STUFF
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
Posted on 2008-10-30 - HEADLINES THAT SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN
Hole Found in Nudist Camp Wall - Police are Looking into it
Cessna Crashes in Irish Cemetry - Hundreds of Bodies Recovered
Teen Pregnancies Drop Off Sharply After 19
One Armed Man Applauds Good Samaritan
Red Tape Holds up New Bridge
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash
Campaign to Run Down Jay Walkers
Panda Mating Fails; Veternarian talkes Over
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike is Not Settled Quickly, It will Last a While
Kids make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Drop-Out Cut in Half
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetry; Hundreds Dead
Posted on 2008-10-07 - ONE LINERS
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I knew he wasn't.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I'm not a complete idiot - Some parts are just missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
God must love stupid people; He made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless, DEAD.
A picture is worth a thousand words but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Posted on 2008-10-01 - HERERONYMS
Words that are spelled identically but have different meanings when pronounced differently.
- The bandage was wound around the wound.
- The farm was used to produce produce.
- The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse .
- We must polish the Polish furniture.
- He could lead if he would get the lead out.
- The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
- It was time to present the present.
- A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
- When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
- The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
- There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
- They were too close to the door to close it.
- The buck does funny things when the does are present.
- A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
- To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
- The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
- Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
- How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Posted on 2008-09-30 - CRAZY ENGLISH
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. Quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Drive on a Parkway and Park in Driveway?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
Meaning of the Word Up
UP, means toward the sky or at the top of the list.
But when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost a quarter of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP. Time to shut UP .....!
Posted on 2008-09-29 - WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned.", then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here in the newspaper that the Pope does!!!!"
Posted on 2008-09-24 - OUR AMAZING BRAINS
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
Posted on 2008-04-16 - DIVINE CREATION OR EVOLUTION?
One day, the young daughter went to Mum and asked where we came from. Mum explained that God had created Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden and we are descended from them.
The next day the daughter asks the same question of the Dad. Dad explains that hundreds of thousands of years ago we were monkeys swinging from trees but over time we have evolved into humans.
Confused, the young girl returns to her Mum and asks her to explain why there were two different stories. Simple her Mum says, "I was explaining about my side of the family; your Dad was explaining his side!"
Posted on 2007-12-22 - JONAH AND THE WHALE
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
Posted on 2007-10-26 - Lisa Simpson Telling Bart What Happend to his Rabbit...
"Your Rabbit died and Dad buried it the back yard; but not necessarily in that order."
Posted on 2007-04-01 - IRELAND'S WORST AIR DISASTER
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Ireland. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Posted on 2007-04-01 - SOME LAWYER JOKES
What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? You cry when you cut up an onion.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist? Terrorists have sympathizers.
Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.
What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?: There are skid marks in front of the dog.